


until we can breathe again

by mxdvsx



Series: until then. [2]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Death, Falling In Love, Illness, Light Angst, M/M, Probably ooc, author sincerely apologizes for projecting onto the characters, hospital au u didnt ask for but is getting anyways, written with 0 medical knowledge, written with 1 braincell at 1 am
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-17
Updated: 2020-07-17
Packaged: 2021-03-04 19:41:08
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,133
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25331833
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mxdvsx/pseuds/mxdvsx
Summary: kita shinsuke, 15, cystic fibrosis, inability to breathe.ushijima wakatoshi, 15, healthy, inability to feel.[ or; wakatoshi feels as if he could breathe again when he is with shinsuke, a study on human mortality and the emotions that go beyond that. ]
Relationships: Kita Shinsuke/Ushijima Wakatoshi
Series: until then. [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1834123
Comments: 3
Kudos: 31





	until we can breathe again

**Author's Note:**

> i decided to write some ushikita because i can
> 
> listen to [your eyes tell](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KVAt8jwUobI) and [home sweet hotel](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bn9Fs9iR7A8) while reading to this so it might give u emtions

wakatoshi couldn’t feel anything.

wakatoshi stood still as his grandmother clutches her chest. his parents rush towards her, trying to help her up. wakatoshi pulls out his phone calmly, and calls an ambulance.

she has asthma, it’s isn’t bad, but the moisture in the air triggers it, from what he manages to understand from the doctor explaining it to his mother and father. he somehow feels indifferent about it. he isn’t sad, he isn’t happy, he just, _knew_.

it was coming. he knew that it was coming and it didn’t scare him. he had time to slowly see the signs.

she’ll die soon. old age and asthma aren’t a good combination, he’ll spend more time with her, he decides, that’s the best he could give her.

his parents can’t take time off work, they are trying, but they have used up their vacation days, their bosses tell them they have a project to finish. they are trying.

“i’ll stay with grandmother.” wakatoshi says. “it’s summer break.”

“toshi-kun, thank you.” his mother says, brushing his cheek. “i’ll bring you your clothes tonight-i-i really need to go, goodbye, mother.”

they leave.

( _they always do._ )

“wakatoshi.” his grandmother says from her bed. “i know i don’t have long.”

“i know, grandmother.”

“you have better things to do than watch a dead woman.”

wakatoshi cocks his head. “you aren’t dead yet.”

“i will be.” she sighs. “i’ll finally be able to see your grandfather again.”

something in wakatoshi snaps. he doesn’t like this. she isn’t dead yet, why is she talking like she is? has she accepted humanity’s mortality?

wakatoshi thinks that he is very quick to accepting them.

but a loved one’s mortality isn’t something he’s sure he’s ready to accept.

“i’m going to take a walk.” he tells his grandmother.

“good. it’s good to take a breath sometimes, toshi, it’s a luxury some of us can’t afford.”

wakatoshi nods.

he walks out of the room.

he can’t bring himself to look back.

-*-

ushijima wakatoshi is fifteen when he meets kita shinsuke.

kita shinsuke was dressed in a hospital gown, he was sitting at the café zone of the convenience store, he was staring out into space, the ice in his cocoa slowly melting in the summer heat.

( _wakatoshi used to wonder what he thinks about._ )

he stares at shinsuke, unaware of his name, a bag of sandwiches in his hand.

shinsuke feels the attention and turns around.

“do you need something?” he asks, staring back at wakatoshi.

“i was wondering what you were thinking about.”

“ah.” shinsuke says. “this is new.”

“what is?”

“people wondering about me.”

“i think you have a lot of qualities to wonder about.”

wakatoshi wonders. wonders about how soft his hands will be to hold. how would his eyes light up when he is happy? how would his react if wakatoshi told him that he is interesting, and that he puts all the wonders of the world to shame?

“i disagree.” shinsuke says, interrupting wakatoshi’s train of though.

he gets down from his stool and stand on front of wakatoshi, he holds up his hand.

“kita shinsuke, pleasure to make your acquaintance.”

“ushijima wakatoshi.” he shakes it.

( _his hands really are soft._ )

“well, ushijima-san, what brings you to our lovely hospital?” shinsuke says, stitting back onto the stool.

“my grandmother.” he says, sitting down beside shinsuke. “she has asthma.”

shinsuke nods. “i see.”

( _no, you don’t see, you_ can’t _see, because you can still breathe_ -)

“i have cystic fibrosis myself. me and your grandmother, we both would find it hard to breathe.”

“i apologize for my ignorance,” wakatoshi says. “but what is cystic fibrosis?”

“it’s not really common in japan, but i suppose it’s a gene that produces thick mucus in our lungs, i think, it makes it hard to breathe, that’s all i could get from reading my diagnosis. but that was years ago.”

wakatoshi nods.

“well, ushijima-san, i have to go.” shinsuke says, looking at his watch. “i have treatment in twenty minutes, my room is seven eight three, feel free to come visit.”

“i will.” wakatoshi nods.

-*-

wakatoshi stands in front of shinsuke’s room. deciding whether or not to knock.

it had been three days since they met, he told his grandmother he had made a new acquaintance at the hospital, she insisted that he go visit them, saying that he would only be annoying her drama watching time by staying in the room.

he decides to knock.

“come in.” shinsuke’s voice rings out from behind the door.

wakatoshi walks in, looking around the room. it was exactly like his grandmother’s he realizes, he chides himself for not assuming that they were all the same.

“ushijima-san.” shinuke smiles. “welcome. please have a seat.”

wakatoshi sits down onto the couch, the television shows the black jackals and the raijun’s game.

“you like volleyball, kita-san?”

“i do.” kita nods sadly. “i wasn’t able to play, but i loved strategizing.”

“maybe you could help me strategize, one day.” wakatoshi says offhandedly. “i play wing spiker.”

“wing spiker is my favorite position.” shinsuke’s eyes lit up. “you must be very powerful to be a good wing spiker.”

“there is also the fact that you must learn control.” wakatoshi says. “too much strength, and the ball might go out of bounds, too little strength and it’ll be a weak spike that can be snuffed by blockers.”

shinsuke nods. “i agree.”

“when we last met, i told you you had many qualities to make people wonder, why do you disagree?”

“i think that i’m a pretty simple person.” shinsuke says, turning to look at wakatoshi. “i have parents, whom i fight with sometimes, but love nonetheless, i have a caring grandmother, who takes care of me when my parents are busy, i have an illness and will probably die before i reach thirty.”

“you don’t talk about yourself.” wakatoshi realizes. “you define yourself by your family and illness, but they aren’t who you are.”

shinsuke stares at him, stunned.

“sorry, i have a habit of saying things without thinking, i apologize if this offends you.”

shinsuke shakes his head with a smile. “no, no, you are right, i should start finding myself before my time runs out.”

“if you’ll allow it, i would like to help you.”

“i’d love to have you.” shinsuke says serenely.

“should we make a list?” wakatoshi asks. “of things you want to do, things you have done, and things like that. that’s what my friend did when he had an identity crisis.”

shinsuke pulls out his notebook, “things i want to do, one, drive a car.”

“what about getting drunk?” wakatoshi asks. “i could introduce you to my friends and our party, they have alcohol.”

“two, get drunk.”

“is there anywhere you want to travel too?”

“home. i’m from hyogo, but my parents moved me here so i could get better treatment.”

“okay then.”

“three, go home. four…”

“fall in love?” wakatoshi suggests. “that’s what my friend had on his list too.”

“four, fall in love.”

wakatoshi smiles.

-*-

ushijima wakatoshi is sixteen when his grandmother passes away. his chest throbs, he ignores the pain, all he could see was her cold stiff body. he feels nauseas, nothing is right.

shinsuke is at the funeral. wakatoshi had introduced him to his grandmother a few weeks prior to her death, they had gotten along, his grandmother often talking to shinsuke in private when wakatoshi goes to school.

he asked shinsuke what they talked about.

shinsuke has a mischievous glint in his eyes and put his fingers to his lips. “it’s a secret.”

shinsuke stands next to him at the funeral, gripping tight onto his arm, the only steady thing in the ever-fading world.

wakatoshi forgets how to breathe.

shinsuke was there when he sank to his knees. shinsuke did not leave when his tears fell, shinsuke was there, telling him to breathe.

again and again.

to breathe again.

-*-

**one. drive a car**

three months after his grandmother’s death, he finally convinced his parents to let him take the car alone with shinsuke, his parents taught him how to drive when he was fourteen, but the rule in their house was to not go far, and that he must always have an adult with him.

but now, he convinced them that he is fine on his own.

he drives to the hospital, the staff recognizing him and told him about how shinsuke was doing.

he walks to shinsuke’s room.

he opens the door, car keys in his pockets. shinsuke is sitting on the bed, reading a literary novel, and wakatoshi had come to find out that shinsuke really likes literary novels. he likes them because of how mundane they are, yet manage to bring a new refreshing perspective to light.

“hey, wakatoshi-kun.” shinsuke greets. “you look excited, did something good happen?”

“it’s about to.” wakatoshi says.

he holds up the car keys and shinsuke’s eyes widened. it morphs into a soft smile that made wakatoshi’s chest feel full.

“do you want to drive?” wakatoshi says, hoping that his happiness is conveyed into his words.

shinsuke beams.

( _he is so full of life for someone who is dying. he is so full of life, it was as if he got your share of it. the brightest flames are the ones that get snuffed out first. do not get attached._ )

( _too late._ )

they stealthily walk out of the hospital, wakatoshi had brought his normal clothes for shinsuke to wear. he likes the way baggy sweater hangs onto shinsuke, making it look like a-what tendou says- _boyfriend shirt_.

they got onto the car, shinsuke taking the driver’s seat.

shinsuke started slow, he told wakatoshi that he had some experience, but was still considered a beginner, wakatoshi gave him tips as they slowly drove around the hospital’s parking lot. shinsuke said that he was ready and started to drive out of the parking lot, into the main road, he drove around sixty, slow enough to be able to control, yet not slow enough to get people annoyed.

they drove around the afternoon, visiting a drive through and getting themselves burger, the sun was setting as they sat on the lid of the car, in the mcdonald’s parking lot. shinsuke stops eating his burger and wakatoshi turns to him.

“is something wrong?”

“why are you doing this for me?”

“i like you.”

shinsuke blushes, wakatoshi feels like he won a volleyball game.

“don’t say that.” shinsuke says, his voice shaking. “i might get the wrong idea.”

“what idea?”

“that you are romantically interested in me.”

“i am.” wakatoshi says.

shinsuke puts his burger down and pulls his legs up to his chest. he rests his head on his thighs and turns to wakatoshi.

“why?”

“i am…interested in you, at first i thought i was just human curiosity, but it grew into something more intense, and soft. i feel something for you. i am not sure if it’s love, but i would say that it’s close.”

shinsuke sighs.

“you really shouldn’t get attached to me.” shisuke’s voice is soft. “you really shouldn’t.”

-*-

**two. get drunk**

he had snuck in sake disguised as a large water bottle. he walked to shinsuke’s room with a nonchalant face.

“wakatoshi-kun!” shinsuke’s grandmother smiles from her seat beside shinsuke’s bed.

“good evening, yuzu-san.” wakatoshi bows. “pardon the intrusion.”

“no, no.” yuzu-san laughs. “i was about to leave anyways, i have to catch the train back to hyogo.”

she picks up her bags and walk out of the door, but not without pinching shinsuke’s cheeks and patting wakatoshi on the back.

“i brought sake.” wakatoshi says, holding up his water bottle. “since you can’t go outside to our party, i though we’d have a little party here.”

shinsuke giggles into the sleeve of wakatoshi’s white sweater that he was wearing.

he pours the sake into two glass cups, handing one to shinsuke, who took it with wide eyes.

“i’ve never had alcohol before.”

“my dad always lets me try some of his beer and wine when we go out for dinner.” wakatoshi tells him, sitting onto where yuzu-san was sitting.

“we’re breaking the law, toshi-kun.” shinsuke says.

“it’s fine, no one could know except for us.”

shinsuke slowly brought the glass to his lips, he takes a small sip and scrunches up his nose.

“it’s sweet, and acidic.” he mutters. “you try, toshi-kun.”

wakatoshi slowly sips his, it has a soft, sweet smell, yet an acidic aftertaste to it, there’s also some bitter tone in there.

they continue talking about miscellaneous topics, slowly sipping from their glass cup.

soon enough, wakatoshi felt his face grow hot, the edges of his vision start to blur.

“my eye sight is…blur-blurry? blurry.” shinsuke slurs. “the room is so hot, toshi-kun.”

wakatoshi nods his head, he lays his head down onto shinsuke’s bed.

“i wish to stay like this forever.” wakatoshi mutters. “i wish to stay with you forever.”

he hears the smile in shinsuke’s voice, “i’m not going anywhere.”

“you are.” wakatoshi murmers. “you go so fast, i’m afraid.”

“afraid?”

“that’s you’ll leave me behind.”

wakatoshi looks up to see shinsuke lying down on the bed his eyes closed, his lips stretched into a small smile.

“why would i leave, toshi-kun?”

“why would you stay?” wakatoshi questions back.

“you’re fun, wakatoshi.” shinsuke says turning over and cupping wakatoshi’s face with his hands. “you’re interesting, you’re able to keep up with me, you understand what i talk about, my grandmother likes you, _i_ like you.”

“’wish you’d love me.”

“do you love me, wakatoshi?”

“i wasn’t-am still not-sure what love is.” wakatoshi says leaning into shinsuke’s touch. “but i know it’s very similar to what i feel for you.”

shinsuke’s touch relaxes, and it’s just his hand on wakatoshi’s face. “what does it feel like? wakatoshi,” shinsuke’s voice drifts to him from worlds away, “what does it feel like to like me.”

“it-it feels, like i can breathe again.”

-*-

**three. go home**

after three powerpoints made by shinsuke and wakatoshi, shinsuke’s parents finally allowed wakatoshi to take shinsuke back to hyogo to stay with his grandmother for three days and two nights.

they took the train to hyogo. it was a four-hour ride, shinsuke leaned onto wakatoshi’s shoulder and fell asleep.

they arrived at the kita household, it was a traditional japanese house on a large area of land, rice fields all around them.

“is the air here better than tokyo?”

shinsuke takes a deep breath. “yeah.”

they spent most of their first day inside the house, helping yuzu-san clean up the place. because she was currently living there alone, she never had the time or stamina to clean the whole house by herself. so the first thing wakatoshi and shinsuke did when they arrived was offered to help her clean the place.

wakatoshi sat in the bath tub, warm water surrounding him, he decides that he’s soaked inside the water for lobg enough and gets up, dresses himself in his pajamas, and walk over to shinsuke’s old room, which he was sharing with shinsuke.

“wakatoshi.” shinsuke acknowledges him as he steps into the room.

shinsuke turns around and lowers the light of the lamp, then he shuffles deeper into his futon.

wakatoshi climbed into the futon next to shinsuke’s, and shinsuke closes the light entirely.

wakatoshi reaches his hand out towards shinsuke’s direction, finding shinsuke’s hands and grasping him softly with his.

shinsuke turns around. wakatoshi could make out the soft outlines of his face in the darkness. wakatoshi pulls shinsuke closer so that shinsuke’s head was tucked under his chin. he presses a kiss onto shinsuke’s forehead.

shinsuke turns upwards and whispers, “can i kiss you?”

wakatoshi brings his free hand up and places it softly on shinsuke’s cheeks, tilting shinsuke’s head up and softly pressed his lips to shinsuke’s.

their lips aligned.

( _oh. it’s like i’ve been waiting for this my whole life._ )

he presses closer, shinsuke’s lips tastes like his minty toothpaste, their breaths mixing together.

they separate and both are breathing softly.

they’re both breathing.

-*-

the last day of their trip, they spent it walking around the area, shinsuke pointing out locations from his childhood to wakatoshi, who smiles fondly at their entwined hands and at shinsuke who’s eyes always light up a little more when he sees something familiar to him.

they walk to a dirt road; the wind blew the dust and sand up into them.

( _shinsuke_ -)

wakatoshi turns to try to shield shinsuke from the dust.

it was too late.

shinsuke had his hands over his mouth and nose, coughing violently. wakatoshi fumbles into his pocket, searching for his phone, he finds it and calls the ambulance.

by the time they arrived, shinsuke was already unconscious on wakatoshi’s lap.

-*-

**four. fall in love.**

the heartbeat monitor is now a nose that wakatoshi couldn’t stand.

he sits next to shinsuke’s unconscious form and grasp a hold of his hand.

shinsuke had been unconscious when the ambulance arrived, and a bit before that, he was coughing up so much mucus and blood. so, so much.

wakatoshi lies his head onto the bed and hears the heart beat monitor slowly fade away.

-*-

“ushijima-san, we lost him.”

wakatoshi stands away as they cover shinsuke’s body with the white sheet.

wakatoshi couldn’t feel anything.

-*-

wakatoshi is eighteen when he lose kita shinsuke.

yuzu-san sits there at the funeral, wakatoshi sits next to her. she rubs her hand comfortingly on his arm.

“i never got to tell him.” wakatoshi whispers. “he died without knowing.”

“it was his time.” yuzu-san says. “no one could’ve known.”

“i should’ve been faster.” he whispers. “if i was faster he wouldn’t be here.”

( _he would be in my arms, safe and with the knowledge that i love him with my entire being._ )

“no one could’ve known."

wakatoshi forgets how to breathe.

-*-

he sleeps. he sleeps and he dreams. he is back in hyogo with shinsuke, they were running around the rice fields, shinsuke is healthy, he does not have cystic fibrosis. he can breathe.

then it changed. then they are twenty, both of them studying agriculture in university, they live together in a condo with two cats. he can breathe.

then it’s their wedding, they are both twenty-four, they both are wearing white. he can breathe.

then they’re holding a baby boy in their arms, he is small and warm and shinsuke presses a kiss onto wakatoshi’s cheek and tells him that they are forvever, that he is never staying, that he is here to stay. he can breathe.

but them he’s back to eighteen-years-old, kita shinsuke’s life slowly fading in his arms, wakatoshi’s shirt is covered in dust and blood.

he can’t breathe.

he wakes up in cold sweat, tears stinging his eyes.

wakatoshi could feel everything.

**Author's Note:**

> OKAY SO IDK IF U COULD DIE LIKE THAT BUT BEAR WITH ME HERE IM TRYING TO KILL HIM OFF SO USHIWAKA FEELS PAIN
> 
> also, i dont show much of cystic fibrosis treatment because i don’t have alot of knowledge on it, the parts that i do show is just what i gleaned from readind medical websites
> 
> twitter: @/mxdvsx


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